Photo by Jonathan Borba on Unsplash
As a parent who has participated in foster care, no one will ever convince me that my foster daughters would have been better off having never been born.
When I started fostering two sisters (then ages 5 and almost 2) in 2020, I got a crash course in foster care. Sadly, as I started my foster care journey, I noticed some disturbing beliefs about foster care and children in foster care swirling throughout our society.
Interestingly, I found many pro-abortion groups, organizations and individuals have fueled this coercive and destructive narrative. The basic idea when you boil it down is “We’re sorry your mom didn’t abort you. If you had never been born then you wouldn’t be a burden to your parents and society.”
Of course we would hope that no one would ever say those words directly to a child in foster care. But no matter how they sugar-coat it, whenever people connect less abortions with more kids in foster care, they give the impression that kids in foster care are the problem. They imply that kids in foster care became a societal burden simply by being born. They imply that the child has always been the problem and the adults that created the child would be better off without them.
So, why is there this toxic line of thought that has weaved its way through our society?
In recent decades our society has become more tolerant and even celebratory of abortion-on-demand, which has created a culture that values and supports the right to life of some children more than others. This is especially clear in the perceived value of planned children over unplanned children. The child conceived by parents who we deem more likely to be "good parents" has a greater right to life than the child who may not have an ideal childhood.
We have traded the basic human right to life for subjective standards of life-worthiness. If you don't meet the arbitrary standards, many claim you are better off dead.
And in doing so, our culture has belittled any child that wasn't born into the life we think they need to have for their life to have value. Children in foster care, especially.
I was also saddened to see a pervasive acceptance that the foster care system functions as something akin to a community orphanage where biological parents give up children that they don’t want. In this view, parents contact a foster care provider and sign over the responsibility of raising children, a responsibility they never wanted, and now that the kids are surrendered, parents can walk away to live the life they always wanted and deserved. So many people picture sad, lonely, unwanted kids just waiting for someone - anyone - to adopt them.
It seems to be a common and perpetual misconception throughout our society that pro-life legislation directly causes foster care influx. The theory goes that restricting abortion access creates extra unwanted children who end up in the foster care system.
But foster care is not an orphanage for unwanted children who were not aborted. Kids in foster care are loved and wanted by their parent(s) in almost every situation!
Foster care is a community services system in which a minor child has been removed from their primary home environment due to there being significant risk of imminent and ongoing danger, abuse or neglect. The placement of a "foster child" is normally arranged through the government or a social service agency, but that doesn't mean the biological parents are jumping at the chance to give up parental rights and responsibilities.
The hope and goal of placing children in foster care is that by giving the children a safe and stable home and family environment to live in temporarily, their parent(s) will have the time, resources and social support needed to resolve the issues that made their parenting unsafe. Utah Foster Care states in their overview that “Two-thirds of children who enter foster care return to live with their birth parents or another relative. Foster families have the opportunity to mentor and support parents who are working to have their children returned to them.”
My family was not planning on being a foster family when we were called upon to do so. My husband and I had 4 biological children living in our home ranging in age from 14-5. Foster care wasn’t on our radar for that season of our life. In fact, before we embarked on our foster care “adventure” we felt like we were maxed out with the kids we had!
Accepting the responsibility to be foster parents made life more challenging. But I do not regret it!
Most of the time, people choose to be foster parents at a time in their life that they feel works best for them and their family. They apply to be foster parents. Usually they specify what genders, ages and number of children they are willing to take in.
Foster parents are required to go through background checks, significant training and various strict licensing requirements. They have to prove that they are ready, willing and able to be foster parents. Only then are they cleared to be foster parents. Many wait weeks or even months after they are licensed before foster children are placed in their home. Most children in foster care are part of biological sibling groups that they prefer to keep together in one home. So, not all foster families fit the necessary parameters for the children entering foster care. Foster parents can accept or decline new placements.
However, we went through the process backwards. We had foster children placed in our home and then we were given a deadline in which we had to be licensed and trained. We are what the foster care system considers “fictive kin” because even though our foster daughters are not related to us by blood, we still had a relationship with them prior to them entering foster care. As close family friends, we were considered for foster care placement even before we were licensed to be foster care providers.
As a volunteer with Pro-Life Utah, I had connected with their mom Becca (name changed for privacy) when she was pregnant with the younger sister, “Sweet P” in 2018. Becca was a single mom to 3-year-old ”Princess P” and was feeling overwhelmed with her second pregnancy. She didn’t know how she would afford another baby and she didn’t know how she would manage being a single mom to two kids. One day Becca went into the Planned Parenthood Metro location Salt Lake City planning to abort her baby. However, through many miraculous twists and turns, Becca did not have that abortion! (But that’s a great story for another time!)
Soon after Becca left her scheduled abortion appointment, a volunteer with Pro-Life Utah reached out to ask if she would like help in her continuing pregnancy. Soon she was introduced to more volunteers with Pro-life Utah. We offered her real help, resources and personalized support- whether she decided to be a parent to her new baby or to place the baby for adoption. We wanted her to know that we loved her, her baby and her older daughter. Becca decided to keep her baby. As part of PLU’s ongoing support system for these moms in crisis pregnancy situations, I started personally providing child care and extra support to Becca and her extended family.
Nevertheless, despite the ongoing attempts of PLU volunteers and myself personally helping and supporting Becca for over two years, she still had many personal issues that limited her ability to be a stable, safe and reliable parent to her two girls. Becca did not want her daughters to be removed from her home and care. Becca wanted to be a good mom. She loved her daughters very much. However, being a mother did not completely change the vices that plagued Becca. Ultimately, Becca needed some professional intervention to ensure the well-being of her daughters- and herself.
The Utah Department of Child and Family Services (DCFS) was alerted to the family’s precarious situation. When DCFS got involved, multiple workers did numerous observations and research to determine if the girls were in a safe family environment. Eventually they determined that Becca’s daughters needed to be legally placed into Foster Care in order to be protected and well-cared for while Becca worked on her personal issues.
DCFS first sought out extended biological family to see if anyone was a good fit for their foster care placement. When bio-family wasn't deemed a viable option for placement, Becca asked DCFS to reach out to me to see if I would foster the girls. Since we were already like a second family to the girls, and they were very comfortable with us, Becca felt this would be a good option instead of placing them with foster parents they had never met. DCFS notified us that the girls were being removed from their home and asked us if we were willing to take them in. We agreed with only one day of notice! Talk about unplanned children! It was like getting two positive pregnancy tests and bringing the kids home the next day.
DCFS did an initial in-person assessment of our home and family to determine if we were safe and competent to foster. They ran background checks. And suddenly we had 6 kids in our home!
We were still supporting Becca and her girls, but it looked different.
Not knowing how everything will look years, or even months and weeks from now can be pretty stressful for everyone involved. Fostering is not for the faint of heart!
Foster care takes dedication to helping children and their parents to grow, improve and thrive. It is to make a choice to love. Foster care is a commitment to love and care for a child placed in your home with the same passion, tenacity and quality as you would your own biological children.
Utah Foster Care notes “Children in foster care often have special needs due to neglect, abuse or separation. Substance abuse is a contributing factor in many foster care cases.” Foster care is not easy. It is not the “fast and easy route to adoption”.
Blending children with trauma into a new home, school and social environment can be challenging. It is bitter-sweet to know and love a child who is in your home because they couldn’t stay with the parent(s) they love and desire. Foster Care is often a series of ups and downs- sometimes multiple times in a day. It is gritty and emotionally stretching- for parents and children.
Foster care is a devotion to bring a child into your home, your life and ultimately your heart, all while not knowing how long that child will stay with you. It is to love deeply and steadfastly knowing it will tear you apart if reunification happens. And it will tear you apart if reunification doesn’t happen. Your heart becomes connected to theirs and you ache when they ache.
The original plan was for our fostering to be temporary. The girls would stay with us until Becca was ready and able to parent again. This is how we would offer our love and support in this, their time of great need.
However, sometimes things do not go as planned.
Sometimes the biological parents fail to make the life changes necessary to be safe and reliable parents for the remainder of their child’s upbringing - even after all the time, support and programs freely offered. Such was the case with Becca and her daughters.
We rode the rollercoaster of “will she or won’t she” for many months. We passed the one-year mark and Becca had still not made any significant progress towards being able to parent. Her personal struggles were contributing to continual bad life choices. One step forward, another one or two backwards. Her cha-cha seemed to be sliding her away from being a full-time parent. The judge and DCFS workers did not want the girls to remain in the limbo of foster care indefinitely. They gave Becca a deadline in which she needed to show significant progress or the reunification goal would be changed to an adoption goal. Her deadline came and went. Becca’s parental rights were legally terminated.
We have now adopted both girls. We are officially and permanently a family of 8 with 6 kids in our home. Four were planned. Two were unplanned. But we love them all the same!
Becca was understandably heartbroken when she legally lost her girls. It was difficult to see her grief. But she also has shared how thankful she is that her girls are safe, happy, healthy and so very loved in our home and family. Yes, these girls are cherished! By both their bio-family and adoptive family and so many others who know them.
Knowing much of Becca’s history, I truly believe that Becca’s daughters gave her the strength and determination to do better and be better- for them. Even if she cannot be a full-time and legal parent to the girls, she is still hopeful to be someone they can have a healthy relationship with as they grow up.
When she was pregnant and planning on having an abortion, she didn’t know that allowing her baby to live would also enable her to live - I fully believe that bringing her daughters into this world saved her life. Despite the pull that her addictions and other struggles had on her, these beautiful children maintained a pull on her heart that saved her when she could have spiraled into a full-nosedive of choices that may have ended her life.
We are still striving to support and motivate Becca to have a healthy relationship with the girls. She ultimately can decide if she will make choices that show she is a safe and reliable person for the girls to have a relationship with as they grow up. Regardless of Becca’s ongoing choices, we want these girls to know they have lots of family that care about them. Becca included.
My life is better and brighter because they are in it. The world is better and brighter with them in it.
No, no one will ever convince me that these two beautiful and cherished daughters of mine are a societal burden and should never have been born! No, they are my beloved children and I am thankful every day that Becca brought them into the world.
At Pro-Life Utah, we work to bring real love, support and solutions to women as they navigate difficult circumstances. We’d love to have you join our team of amazing volunteers!
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